


Tales From The Maryam Crypt: Rose Lalonde, Vampire Hunter!

by Varynova



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C (Homestuck), F/F, Kanaya Maryam can't enjoy her sandwich
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-11
Updated: 2019-07-11
Packaged: 2020-06-26 05:08:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19761229
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Varynova/pseuds/Varynova
Summary: Kanaya Maryam can't enjoy her sandwich.





	Tales From The Maryam Crypt: Rose Lalonde, Vampire Hunter!

In their shared apartment, Rose Lalonde and Kanaya Maryam are sitting down to lunch. Well, Rose is, and indeed she does not see her wife sweeping up behind her, nor hear her Vampiric Lightness as Kanaya sneaks up to attempt a bite of her beloved's meal. But, as Mrs. Lalonde's multifarious and spectacular knowledge of all things broadens, sometimes she is granted visions of events pertaining to the scope of her life. So she, in filling a glass of fizzy water, leaves her sandwich on the countertop and closes her eyes.  
She pictures it as it happens.

The rainbowdrinker, fiend that she is, sweeps up to the counter, and, seeing the defenseless delicacy, puts a fold of her billowing green-and-black dress up to her face to shroud her approach. She springs up, fangs gleaming, mouth agape, but in the moment she is about to strike, Rose's voice rings out.  
ROSE: You don't want to do that.  
KANAYA: Dohoho  
KANAYA: And Why Not  
ROSE: Well, because I've just made myself that sandwich, and I would rather like to eat it.  
KANAYA: But I Would Likewise  
ROSE: But it has those nice tomatoes Jade sent home with you last week, and is made with the bread Roxy made in his bread-baking class.  
ROSE: Plus, that good leafy spinach, and some of that delicious red onion from the CSA, and that hummus spread from the deli uptown.  
KANAYA: All The More Reason For Me To Feast  
KANAYA: Rarer Goods All The Sweeter  
ROSE: It would make me sad.  
KANAYA: But I Would Gain Pleasure Likewise  
KANAYA: Possibly More For The  
KANAYA: Thrill Of Bloodlust  
ROSE: Aah, but sweet Kanpire, one angle you have not considered.  
KANAYA: I Have Considered Every Angle  
And, mustering her best Lugosian accent, she shouts theatrically,  
KANAYA: I Vant To Eat Your Sandvich  
ROSE: I put mustard on it.

Kanaya hisses, as though sprayed with stone-ground holy water. Rose twirls in place, drinking her seltzer triumphantly.  
ROSE: Yes! The finest Dusseldorf mustard, the closest thing I could find to my Gray Poupon at the supermarket in Trolltown!  
KANAYA: You Have Poisoned It  
KANAYA: Why Would You So Afflict Your Own Sandwich  
ROSE: I knew this day would come, undead!  
ROSE: I knew that by making the ultimate summer veggie sandwich, one you could never resist, I could fell you with the mighty deliciousness of New German vinegar-based condiments!  
KANAYA: Nooooooooo  
KANAYA: After Four Years Of Marriage My Comeuppance Has Finally Arrived  
KANAYA: In The Form Of One Thwarted Sandwich Bite

Rose stalks towards Kanaya, step by step. Her wife withers, hissing the whole way, until she trips backwards over the end of the couch, tumbling softly to her rest.  
And both women laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a tweet pointing out that 'Kanaya Maryam is not immune to shenanigans.' Because I love RoseMary dearly.


End file.
